I’ve been coming to terms with my shadow side for a few months now. I’m not exactly sure when I started to notice the dark side of myself. I think it would probably have to be when I met the “Male Side of me.” I feel like in every way, he reflected my dark side. Maybe this is because he was the first man in my life to ever invest the time and energy into developing a relationship below the surface. I feel that he is my male counterpart. I see myself in him. He reflects qualities in himself that I also struggle with. When I first met this Male in January of 2015, I knew there would be something spectacular between us. It was such a strong connection, at least for me. I felt karma and a knowing between us. I have never met anyone that I have felt so equal to, and I trusted my instinctual nature, and hoped for the best. I fell in love with him rather quickly. He was my first teacher that I actually cared for. I started to see the qualities more and more as the months went on, the need for love and affection, the struggle for power and acceptance of the negative qualities of self. For instance, self- hatred and lack of love and affection; how it tears apart your soul. Not understanding the full complexity of love and how to give and receive equally. Finding your souls purpose and coming to terms with its part in the universe. What is true meaning and why do we matter? All these philosophical questions started to come into play in our relationship.
But it is okay to show my whole self to the world because others struggle too. We are not alone in our hurts and pains and problems. There may be judgment and no acceptance and not being right for someone.
As the end of the fall semester came to a close for me, I realized that things were not balanced in our relationship; I wanted to further my soul and connect on spiritual level. I wanted to love him, and have him love me in return, but it was not possible for him, for whatever reason; obligation, his marriage, other personal factors and it really involved him not wanting to give himself to me and risk falling in love. I still try to contact him, but I feel that we may be lost forever, wandering around and waiting for the right time to connect in the future. Things have, well, been broken now between us for a while.
I started to show him my demons and my shadow side, I started writing heavily again over the winter break, trying to come to terms with myself and trying to purge my inner demons. I wrote about my past and I wrote poetry concerning my scary “other.” Not knowing what the outcome would be and the destruction that it would cause. But through this, I feel that I was able to learn so many things about myself and my problems with excessive behaviors. I feel that I can find a true healing and compassion for myself again. I can learn to love myself instead of looking for love in the wrong places and outside of myself where it cannot necessarily be found or fulfilled. I do believe that we are here to connect to people outside of ourselves, but if we are not loving and compassionate to ourselves how can we truly love another and have compassion and a true soul connection with a lover? This is what I have realized in my dark night of the soul. That yes, I do have a dark side and demons and problems and struggles. But it is okay to show my whole self to the world because others struggle too. We are not alone in our hurts and pains and problems. There may be judgment and no acceptance and not being right for someone. I am willing to risk love and be brave and go out into the world and chase my passions and learn to love and be loved by someone. I don’t have to believe the horror and the doubts and self-hate anymore. I am a strong and powerful woman.