When you are in the worst of it-the light is always there.

Coming out of the darkness And realizing that through it, my rockets of desire are stronger. Realizing that it was the push in the right direction that I needed. Realizing that in the shit, I ask for help, and sometimes it is the only time that I do. Realizing that it is the only way I know what I want, to know what I don’t want. That only when I am in loss and pain can I truly understand joy and happiness. Can I only understand true humilty and love for myself and others. Can I only understand gratitude and the feeling of appreciation for what is. Can I only enjoy life to the fullest. Can I do what I was meant to do here. Can I do what is needed for others. Can I stick to my path. Can I be strong enough to continue on in this life alone–not giving up, but enduring and living more than I could have dreamed possible.

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When you’re in pain and loss.

This week I have been dealing with more loss than I care to admit. I have been losing things and people in my life. I have felt like God has given me more than I can handle, yet again, but I awake at 3 am and realize that in this loss I have expanded in my depth of love once more.

At the start of the week, I lost something very special to me. As I was thinking about how I was missing a man that I was starting to love, and feeling loss, I lost the jewel on a necklace my dad and stepmom had given to me for graduation. As I undid the clasp, it fell down the drain faster than I could catch it. It remained, stuck there, in the drain, too far to reach, barely visible. I gave up and went to bed, Sunday night.

The necklace jewel represented the lost people and things I was about to lose this week. 

My mom has decided to move out of my house this week. A family member is in severe condition right now. The guy I wanted broke up with me. The ending of things and people in my life seems unbearable.

Tonight as I went to lay in my bed alone, I checked the drain for the lost jewel, it was no longer visible. I am alone in my house. It is quiet, dark and cold. I am alone. It is me and God. There are no children in their beds sleeping, there is no mother in the other room to wake up to. There is no boyfriend in my bed next to me. I did not hear an update to my family member tonight, but I know I am losing her, too. I cried, sobbed and felt alone tonight.

I know I am in loss, and God is preparing me for more to come.

The Detour: finding the love I was looking for.

Today I found the love that I was in search for. I wanted to give my love to someone or people that needed it, and I did. Today I found the love in the World that I was looking for.

The kids and I were planning on finding dinosaur bones when we awoke this morning. We planned on going to the dinosaur dig park in Austin, but when I inserted it in the GPS and discovered that it was closed on Monday.

“DETOUR”

So, I changed plans and thought we would head over to Rabb Park in Round Rock so that the kids could dig in the sandbox there. But, Spirit had another plan for us today. On our route to Round Rock we passed a sign on 620 near the downtown center that said, “DETOUR.” “How strange,” I thought to myself, for it seemed coincidental, our plans to dig for dinosaur bones had already been detoured. But this was not the detour (To Rabb) that God intended for the kids and I. In fact, we were redirected to the Round Rock Memorial Park, just past the Round Rock donuts, the one with the actual “ROUND ROCK.”

At first sight, I saw the park that had a shaded playscape and a beautiful river with trees and cabins across the lake. So, I knew we must at least stop, I pulled into the parking lot and parked. I didn’t even know this was where the Round Rock was, or the park just by it, I had never been here in the eight years of living in the Austin area.

We are glad we stopped, and we met some very happy and beautiful cranes, swans and ducks in the river.

Secondly, we met a nice family of blondes on the playscape. I kindly asked the mom to take a picture of the kids and I, which she did. We chatted and played a bit and went on our way down the path.

Down the path and finding love.20160808_095037

It was here I met what I was looking for, as I walked down the path before we got to the bridge, I met a woman, and her two grand-daughters, she was letting them play on the underpass, and they were loving it. My kids, Abby, and Pat, decided to join and they loved getting to slide down the cold cement on their bums. 20160808_095530

 

As the woman and I watched the kids enjoying themselves we started up a conversation. We had a lot in common. She had lived in Round Rock for three years, and I found out that she was undergoing Chemotherapy. This was her second battle with Cancer. I never would have known had she not told me, she was a beautiful, youthful and loving Grandma. She was someone that was happy and excited about life and enjoying the morning with her grand kids.20160808_103939

We had a lot in common in this, we shared our stories together and we both had belief in God and his glory, the most common things we agreed upon was that we were given this life to live it and enjoy everything that was provided for us. That we could choose to be happy no matter what! I encouraged her to write about her story and follow whatever her passions may be. She seemed interested in blogging and I hope to share my blog and help or advice with her in the future. I can’t wait to share my love with her and others that want it!

Today I found the love I was looking for, today I found the love in the World that I was looking for.

How to get a guy to commit to you. Why making things happen will never work, and a general analysis of the supposed heterosexual male, from a woman’s perspective.

These days there is a plethora of dating advice out there. Most of it is just nonsense and people guessing at how to get the guy or girl of your dreams. I have dated a lot and, really, can still say that I have no idea how the male brain works, and barely understand why I am still attracted to men after my experiences in dating. LMAO to myself as I write this.

Guys think differently, it is obvious. Most just want to have sex with you. I advise holding out on them as long as possible, but to each their own. I’m sure you will figure this out as you go along.

Getting a guy to commit can be tricky, most women I know have a hard time just getting a boyfriend, or an engagement, and lasting or “successful marriage” is also something that is becoming something people would consider rare.

The more you try, the more they pull away.

The more you want, the less they want.

So, how do you get a guy to commit to you? They have to want it ultimately. Scarcity is a real thing. And any good woman will tell you that you have to be willing to let them go if they don’t want to commit to a relationship with you. The right guy will come along that wants the same things as you. There will be those that realize this after the breakup, but even if they don’t, they will down the road when they are lying in their bed alone at night wondering “why, why, why, I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend, fiance, wife.”

The guy that wants to continue on alone will. The guy that wants to get married will. The guy that wants a girlfriend, will have a girlfriend. It’s all in the vibe, put out the vibe of love, and finding the right person that is “turning” according to the Annie Lennox song, “Dont let it bring you down.”

Ultimately, I have come to realize this, that love is a choice and that you have to let go of any control of the outcome or expectation for what could be.

Good luck to you women out there searching for the heterosexual man of your dreams.

The holes in our hearts

The hole he was born with in his heart, came from me, but he came from us, I just thought I gave it to him.

His hole, VSD, was found on ultrasound the day he was born.

I think I transferred the hole that was in my broken and empty heart to him while he was still in the womb.

The anger and sadness I felt while pregnant, changed and manipulated a growing heart.

The heart and hole have changed through time.

What once was empty has now closed,

What once was sadness turned to joy.

You cried that day the Doctor told you of his hole she had found.

But the hole is gone now, not even a murmer remains in our son’s heart.

The hole in the heart changed with time.

The broken heart is now whole again.

The heart is always changing, twirling and mingling, shooting rockets of desire and wanting to be filled.

It combusts and breaks and is empty for a while, the holes come with anger and sadness and spin away with depth of emotion and love.

The heart is ever changing.

The holes in our hearts change with time.

Love and more understanding than I ever dreamed possible

Love. I understand romantic love for the first time in my life. Whatever I thought I knew before didn’t even scratch the surface.

I found it as I was tipping over into contrast. Or on the verge of losing something I thought was lost. But it wasn’t lost, love is just another emotion that’s always been there for me.

I realized these past few weeks what God has been giving me. The good emotions are only found in the bad. What you think is lost, cannot be lost. It’s always there for you, waiting for you to see it, feel it, live it. Once you start to live it, it happens more and more for you. Love, being loved, and giving love. It doesn’t stop. It is not lost, it’s just waiting for you to realize it’s there when you’re thinking it’s gone.

I realized tonight as I was listening to The Meet Joe Black Soundtrack theme song by Thomas Newman that I’m in love right now. I feel his love. I feel like I am love. I feel like your love is steadfast and unconditional. I feel like the love is never ending. I’m so thankful I’ve been experiencing this emotion, I’m just noticing it for the first time. Just realizing romantic love for the first time, too. It’s amazing, this love of mine. I can’t wait to share it with him. And..I’m just waiting on him now. He doesn’t even have to tell me, I just know. He is just being patient to say something and so am I. I know it’s him, because he is the one that opened my eyes to all these amazing feelings I’ve never felt before. He opened my eyes to this one amazing feeling.