This week I have been dealing with more loss than I care to admit. I have been losing things and people in my life. I have felt like God has given me more than I can handle, yet again, but I awake at 3 am and realize that in this loss I have expanded in my depth of love once more.
At the start of the week, I lost something very special to me. As I was thinking about how I was missing a man that I was starting to love, and feeling loss, I lost the jewel on a necklace my dad and stepmom had given to me for graduation. As I undid the clasp, it fell down the drain faster than I could catch it. It remained, stuck there, in the drain, too far to reach, barely visible. I gave up and went to bed, Sunday night.
The necklace jewel represented the lost people and things I was about to lose this week.
My mom has decided to move out of my house this week. A family member is in severe condition right now. The guy I wanted broke up with me. The ending of things and people in my life seems unbearable.
Tonight as I went to lay in my bed alone, I checked the drain for the lost jewel, it was no longer visible. I am alone in my house. It is quiet, dark and cold. I am alone. It is me and God. There are no children in their beds sleeping, there is no mother in the other room to wake up to. There is no boyfriend in my bed next to me. I did not hear an update to my family member tonight, but I know I am losing her, too. I cried, sobbed and felt alone tonight.
I know I am in loss, and God is preparing me for more to come.