The girl you want versus the Girl you need.

The girl you want: she’s the one that sits on the pedestal, fiery and impassioned but easily containable. Unpredictable in the best of ways. You want her to improve your image and status you hold and project to the world. A girl you could introduce to your family. A girl you could show off to your buddies. One that may or may not give in to your sex drive and inescapable whims of sexual desire.
One that would give you endless freedom to explore and go on adventures or do just whatever it is that you do-when you want to do it. Not predicting or assuming that you’re in your exotic location with other women around the world. Not stressing at all? And that includes her not focusing on the outcome of your affair.
Not limiting yourself to choice or future possibilities or prospects of love. Always changing her mind and being flexible within “your” parameters. A girl that doesn’t ever embarrass you or spill your secrets to the world. She always says the right thing and puts your career ambitions above her own. Perhaps she is the one that must concede and change to fit your will. Sacrificing her time but never imposing on yours. She’s willing to give you the conventional conditions of the “American Dream.” You being the head of the household. You have two children together, maybe, or a previously divorced woman who has two already. And YOUR picket fence and luxury automobile (despite the high interest rate) in the driveway. You control the finances and determine just when you will try to get pregnant again with “your” child. A girl you could control and a girl to be controlled. Because you’re so out of control and need to feel that stability of a loyal woman in your bed.

The Girl you need: this girl is probably, most likely, not the one you want. She is quiet at the wrong times and speaks her mind in awkward times. She character assassinates when she feels it necessary; this is not without sound reason and well thought out prose. She is cynical and blunt with honesty. This stems from her need of justice and making the world a little bit better for everyone to live in, and if not that, it was sparked by something that hurt her and reminded her of her prior disappointments. This girl will never get knocked up without planning, no matter how hard she has tried. Both of her children from the broken marriage where conceived with the aid of fertility drugs. No unpredictability or excitement here. No potential entrapment of a lover. This girl would rather cling to you for all the hope of love you might give to her instead of allowing the possibility that you would leave her, break her heart or the worst of sins, love another. At the end of the day she would change and give herself too much, losing her complete identity in the relationship. She will cry when she doesn’t get her way and miss you terribly when you ignore her for days, months or years. She could be your best friend or your worstest enemy.
Her speaking of her mind might intimidate you, her ambitions and life experience might make you feel inferior. She might make you feel ashamed when she calls you out for any bullshit you put her through. She won’t forgive easily. If you lie or are inauthentic in any way, but especially just for the sake of boasting or bettering your image and place in society, she will try her best to cut through the false mask you are putting on. She won’t want to hurt you but she will tell you NO if something is wrong, and risk humiliating you if she feels that it will get the point across. She, too, needs alone time to be with herself and God. But she might just feel the need to annoy you with her tears, deep insecurities, and passionate feelings of love.

The reality: This is that we all want love and to be love. We both want to love. We’re both afraid to fall, hurt ourselves or one another. We fear disappointment and falling short—not being able to make the other happy. And maybe we value our own identities too much to be willing to risk loving someone else with all of their faults and imperfections. Yet.. we still have this burning passion inside us that longs to touch each other and penetrate to the core of one another’s being. That human contact and need. You yearn to have that someone to walk with and to hold your hand in public. I desire to have you in my bed at night, caressing me and loving me. And what more could we ask of someone when we are not willing to risk this of ourselves? That vulnerability, that commitment in a world that is impatient and discontent with the reality of what truly works in love.


A Systemic Complacency

I try to break out of my comfort zone, but I can’t

My eyes still look away

Not wanting to see homeless people.

Rather disassociate myself in order to survive

It’s the shit.

It’s what we are spoon fed in grade school

To be preconditioned is to be forewarned of the suffering

The massive shift from chattel slavery to the prison-industrial system

For that matter, sex trafficking and domestic violence

Slavery can be forgotten, because it’s still happening.

Now it’s just in a different forum.

Can’t we just blame Walmart or Canada?

We didn’t even have a chance, we were already so far behind.

If it’s not one thing, it’s just another

And the horror of it all.

But now it’s a Renaissance

Breaking away the social construct of previous generations

It takes time to showcase the art of suffering

The suffering that has been internalized for years, at least since the 90’s

From what I can remember, technophobia and Y2K, and OJ Simpson’s murder trial.

The problems are systemic and came from those TV’s and rows of houses.

They come from darkness, or when you made the discovery that it was all a lie.

It was how they controlled mass populations of people.

By selling them a dream, and being able to tear it away on a moments whim

By telling us to internalize all of our problems, because how else could we go to work everyday and suffer? Only if we are good boys and girls and each earn a living can we be happy, successful members of society.

Good Citizens, yes, good Citizens.

We never had a chance.

We became complacent when we could no longer buy three meals a day for ourselves or our children.

We became complacent when our mothers chose to be homeless instead of working a 9-5 job.

We became complacent when we had a heart attack and could not pay our medical debts.

We became complacent when we owed back taxes to the IRS.

We became complacent when our children are taken away from us because we chose drugs, or alcohol or another man.

We became complacent when we are told we are no longer needed and lose our jobs.

We became complacent when our house was infested with German Cockroaches and we lose all of our belongings.

We become complacent when mother nature rears her ugly head and destroys an entire town with a tornado.

We become complacent when we know longer know anything, for our belief system was all shattered, turned upside down, tipped over, lost, broken, penetrable, because we were misunderstood, and too chaotic

Art for art’s sake, no that’s just for people who have nothing better to do besides wear a mask to cover their apathy and boredom. And who has time to be bored anymore? We are just surviving, trying to eat and making sure that we won’t be deported next month? Our dreams have already been crushed and so we are waiting for the right time. The opportune moment to take action. Waiting for the Feminine. Waiting for our Austin Renaissance.

My Feminist Rant! Keep your Goddamn Opinions to Yourself and Stop Asking For Advice

My purpose in life is to enjoy it, get fat and watch Lifetime movie channel while eating Entenmann’s Chocoloate Donut Holes. Women of the world unite!! I am so sick and tired now of asking for other’s advice. Mostly because they aren’t you! No one can really understand anyone’s situation. And even licensed psychologists get it wrong. This is because talk therapy can only get you so far, and what if, just what if, they couldn’t see the whole picture, because lets face it, we are often disillusioning ourselves, and only confide in those we trust, and even then..we hold back a lot. So if someone else can’t see the big picture, or you in it, then why should we ask for advice in the first place? Put aside our petty differences, it’s unlikely that anyone else even knows what’s up, and put in your shoes, knows the best solution to all your problems.

This is what I’ve learned these past few months. Buck up. Make decisions for yourself, stop asking others for their opinions on your life or life problems, and stop seeking validation outside of ourselves. Because we only get one life and one shot, one opportunity–as Eminem puts it.

And by the way, I’m kind of in a feminist mood right now. And I just need to say..When is it ever okay for a guy to ask you what your purpose in life is? And maybe this is just in the context of career, yet I always take these shitty statements personal. Like..I can be petty like the best of us women, but seriously? The fuck? I think It would be okay as a woman to answer this and say look, “My purpose in life, is to sit on my ass and enjoy it, perhaps while doing nothing but popping a kid out every few years and eating Lays potato chips while drinking Diet Coke and watching Desperate Housewives..because I have to sleep with your hairy ass every few days anyhow. And look! There is nothing wrong with doing nothing for a career or being a career woman. Why are we constantly being judged for relaxing on the couch for a goddamn hour and gaining a couple of pounds. These guys and their opinions need to shut the fuck up.

Around The Rink Once Again

I remember roller skating as a child. My parents took me to the roller rink a few times, I went to church functions and grew up seeing my dad in roller skates. I took some time for me to go out on my own, I was so afraid to fall. When I was six or seven I saw a woman fall and hurt her leg bad. But it was my favorite song, “come and ride a train.” that got me off the wall of the roller rink. I realize now that it was that song and watching my dad glide on the rink with ease and speed.

As I grew I got better at skating. I got roller blades one year for Christmas and I started to go on competing with myself. I would go over speed bumps with a new found confidence, not feeling a fear of falling anymore, but invigoration and joy. I looked for new dangerous places and fell a lot more. This time I had some padding though, knee pads, elbow pads, wrist guards–they provided me some security and super powers. My favorite spot soon became the large speed bump in the church driveway in the down hill parking lot.

Somewhere along the way things went wrong for me in roller skating. When I left Michigan at ten, my life was never the same. Looking back I don’t think this was as bad of a thing as I used to think in my teens but I was changed forever after leaving my hometown and friends.

When I moved to Arizona, I remember 5th grade and how terrible I felt. It took me longer to make new friends, I lived in a kind of sketchy area of Mesa and I was now regressing in school, due to the fact that the school district was poor, I was now in a portable building. As I look back as an adult, I now see that I repeated the same material I had learned the year prior, perhaps this is just because there is padding in grade school. Anyhow, I had difficulties adjusting to the temperature and the environment of Arizona. My body took time to adjust in every way, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

That year in 5th grade we went skating for our school class party and it was’t the same for me. I had developed such a fear again and my allergies had gotten so bad from the dust, and new plants and heat of Arizona, that I could hardly breathe. I ended up leaving early with my dad after going around the rink one time.

I missed my hometown, my friends, and the rollerblading in my front yard. I thought about how I had learned to ice skate in the back yard of my friend’s house. How everything had been more simple before, and now what was so simple before seemed so out of reach now.

The next year we moved from Mesa to Scottsdale. I started 6th grade and found a popular crowd of girls right away that befriended me. All of my worries started to fade and my attention was turned to shaving my legs, and dating the more popular boy in the class who to everyone’s shock had a crush on me, the “new girl.”

And so we started, “going out.” Wow that seems so funny to me now. My first real boyfriend that liked me, and I didnt even have eyes for him. He was so popular though, and my new friends were jealous of me. He had bleached his hair on the top and spiked it in the front with hair gel. It was so ridiculous but cute at the same time. I was so awkward, I had such crooked teeth and my friends started rumors about me because let’s face it, girls can be so catty and mean. That year I got braces on my bottom teeth. The romance with my first boyfriend in 6th grade ended because of my refusal to actually “go out” with him. Found out that he was already macking with some other blonde at the roller rink. My friend Amanda told me that because of his rejection that he spread a rumor that I had bad breath. My social life was ruined, albeit temporarily. I soon developed another crush and became boy crazy.

The battles in love and life were set up from then on. My rollerskating had changed from being afraid, to feeling invorgorated, to scared and apprehensive all within a year. We had another skate party in 6th grade. This time was different. I had developed a significant crush on an intelligent boy in my class. He took me out on the roller rink and we did a couple skate. I told him that my palms were sweaty. This is how nervous I was! He didn’t seem to notice. That skate is forever etched in my mind. The feeling of how love should be, innocent and kind and going around the circle with the one you love and want to be with. As the song ended, he asked someone else to go with him, and after that, he asked her to be his girlfriend.

And so I sit here writing this and looking back, at least I had the opportunity to experience what it was like to feel love and excitement with someone I was crushing on, even if it was just for a short period of time.

This past weekend I took my kids skating and it was amazing. They went out on the rink with me, and it was so empty, just us three for most of the time. And I saw my daughter, wobbly and afraid, holding the wall like I used to do. But she watched me, excited and alone, invigorated again as I glided fast and happy across the rink. Going around and around in circles to a new song. Confident once again.


Sagittarius Men and Scorpio Women Relationships: Going to Hell and Back

Anger and jealousy, passion and intensity, freedom and fighting, but so hot in the bedroom!! What is going on in these relationships?

Let’s stop pretending that any other sign gets a Scorpio. Even if they are a water heavy chart holder, Scorpio knows best and is the only one that should reveal a secret about our inner world.

It seems like the fire sign Male Sagittarius will never understand the intensity of the Scorpio woman and A Scorpion lady will never understand the Sagittarian men’s need for freedom and exploration. Perhaps the two could meld well together on another planet and create internal combustion.

But what happens when you are a Scorpio Female with Sagittarius on the Descendent and Capricorn in the 7th House? This is one of the most complicated aspects in my personal chart. It would seem that I constantly attract fire signs to myself and not even intentionally. It’s like they seek me out and think that they want to take a crack at it, but they end up getting way more than they expected and can’t handle my extreme emotions and intense feelings. Sagittarius men and women have been in numerous friendships and relationships in my life, and while a lot of them still remain friends with me, it is usually from a distance. I end up getting too hurt and tend to shut down the relationship, preferring to distance myself from the pain and humiliation that they have caused me with their flighty, backstabbing behaviors. I put Sagittarian’s flame out with my emotions and my vindictive sting hurts!

I have one good friend that is a Sagittarius female, and we are friends from a distance, never really having a close intimate friendship like I crave and want. Another one of my relationships went to shit after a negative conversation about my parenting skills, and after that it was like I couldn’t let it down (in my mind). I forgave her, but her flighty behavior and criticisms ruined any chance for me to ever trust her again. Being a Scorpio woman in this lifetime has been a difficult task for me. I have such strong Plutonian energy that it feels as if I either scare people away, or they just don’t understand me. What’s more, I really crave interpersonal connection and relationships. But more and more of the time I end up feeling lonely and wondering what I did wrong and don’t understand why I can’t seem to have the relationship I so want with another. I can’t help but take things personally. I guess that is just how I am made.

I am writing this because I know there are a lot of other Scorpio women out there that feel the same way in relationships with others and at times finding themselves in relationships that just seem plain difficult. I don’t even know why. Perhaps there is some other difficult aspect in our charts but doubtful. It’s like that wonderful song called “Issues” by Julia Michaels (another Scorpio female). “I’m jealous, I’m over zealous, when I’m high I get real high, when I’m down I get real down.”

I think I will just spend some more time in the depths of hell. I am comfortable there and it’s become a real sanctuary, as it’s so familiar. I’m naming my next daughter “Persephone” and Percy for short.

Pluto has wreaked his havoc while transiting my 7th house of partnerships for the past 10 years. In this time prior to this transit, my Uranus was conjunct Pluto on the descendant in the 6th house, which is when I first married at 19 to a Sagittarian male. As Pluto went through this house, every partnership in my life was practically destroyed, some were renewed and others just went away. I now am 1 degree away from Pluto entering my 8th house in August. I am not sure what the future holds. I am still waiting in the ashes for my transformation in my relationships. Saturn will also be having his return in December in my house of Partnerships and I am unsure of how this will play out. I have been feeling the urge to get married again, although some days when I read Facebook posts on the guy I am interested in, I second guess myself in why I even like him (He is also a Sagittarius.) And I wonder mostly am I doomed in my relationships to constantly struggle? To be alone for the rest of my life, uncommitted to anyone, because let’s face it, Sagittarians are known to promise more than they can deliver, end up lying to a Scorpio, (or at least from her perspective). (Half-truths are the same as lies in our eyes) and are typically high in the Infidelity, which is a cardinal sin in the Eyes of Scorpio! The problems in my first marriage were so numerous and I have just recently come to terms with some of them. Facing my fears as they all were brought to the surface for me to re-evaluate as Pluto has gone retrograde this summer. It dawned on me that it doesn’t even matter what is true anymore, even though Sagittarians love the truth, they can spin any story to their benefit and spread lies and gossip worse than any other sign I have ever met. It doesn’t even matter that I am an honest individual and see through the bull shit. I will never change the fact that I know what is real. I have that intuitive—depth– perception that sees the challenge and conflict right in the eye. My lie detector is so dead on and yet I keep wondering.. where is my happy ending?

Are You Balanced or a Stage 5 Clinger?

A perfect love relationship scenario on what not to do is from one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers. Let’s stop pretending not to care and distance ourselves from the men we love. So I am referring to Gloria and Jeremy’s relationship in this analogy because Gloria is a “Stage 5 Clinger” female. In a lot ways I can see why women act this way and in her movie it actually works out between her and Jeremy.. so what’s the problem?

I guess I don’t know, really other than it turns a lot of men off from what I can see .. in my personal experience. But then again, if he is meant to be.. nothing will push him away for long. I’ve read quite a few relationship books. The usual self help section for hopeless romantics. What to do and what not to do in relationships. I think though, honestly, that relationship advice is super subjective. How can one know how to act in a relationship when all relationships are different? We meet in different scenarios, for example, we are told to meet in a specific area, or to marry someone within a certain category, or our parents set us up on a date with someone they think we should be with.

But what about Romantic Love? Sir Gawain and the Green Knight and the Holy Grail of love? Is Chivalry and King Arthur’s idea of Romantic Love dead and just a Pie in the Sky? Will relationships between males and females stand the test of time? Can we all have our Fairytale ending with our one true love? Who says men can’t love a Stage 5 clinger like Gloria. A man that is an adventurer who runs as fast as he can at the first sign of clingy behavior? Can we truly love someone that won’t even talk to us? I suppose if you’ve watched enough romantic sob movies like Love Actually, it is possible. Are we all hopelessly doomed to never understand that Love is everywhere and in everything and that it is not always the same for everyone?

We can’t just read a relationship column or a book like, “Why do men Marry Bitches?” and “Always a Bridesmaid Never A Bride” and assume that this advice will somehow magically pertain to our situation or our love life.

I mean don’t we all come with baggage? Don’t we all lose our balance, our equilibrium, our alignment? Don’t we all fall in and out of love and run away from our problems? Don’t we all, at times, feel hopelessly lost in love. And in the short term, at times, lose faith and trust in it when our men walk away from us? Don’t we all inherently know that the love is never lost? Yet still we can act like Gloria, clingy. Hoping, and praying that our men won’t leave, even though this is the fastest way to lose him and keep him gone longer than you will ever know. It’s even worse when it’s flip flopped and the man is doing this to you.

What’s worse is this whole “Love Game.” Or knowing exactly what you are doing as you are doing it, but somehow you just can’t control the urge. It’s like,, you wish that you could be this distant lover holding him on the line..making him want you more…like all those other guys that you ignore and don’t really, really, love. The ones that constantly bug you to go out on dates with them and you just don’t answer. Hoping and wishing that the one you love will wake up and realize that he’s the only one you want. But I suppose this is all how you know you’ve fallen, when you’ve turned into a Stage 5 Clinger and act like a Crazy Fool waiting on the line.

Putting The Pieces Together

I’m going back to my hometown

To the place I was most happy.

I’ve been on my Odyssey, it was in my mind.

You’d think by now I’d be more complete.

Wasn’t it all supposed to be neat?

You’d think by now I’d have gotten the arrow shot.

You’d think by now I’d have manifested my dreams.

The truth is, every  door was closed.

there is only a window, with view of my lost piece

It’s somewhere back in that green grass, with those fall leaves, and that backyard trampoline.


REFRACTION AND Internal Combustion

Personal motion forward

Life in the fast lane

This antigravity is about to make me lose my mind.

They say delays mean to go within

Refraction of energy

Cold Fusion

Hot Lava

Be brave when you don’t know

But where is my Northern star? Where is my Alpha Centauri?

Where is my Ceres? My leader, my lover, my laser vision?

I need you, My Astronomer

You’re my brightest star

Lead me to your love, lead me with your love

Guide me, Guide me

Come back to me



A Betterfly Breakup

Oh, and you are the hottest start on the spectrum. Oh, and falling away from the diagram.

Fierce mind, reminiscence. A time long ago, when the world was blind and numb.

You wear your beautiful hand painted pin-striped shirt with butterflies.

And it all just came to me at once, sitting here thinking.. Don’t you forget to smile.

It doesn’t have to be long and complicated. I know we were only supposed to meet a short while. I can’t make this lifetime commitment to you.

It’s all too scary, its all too unknown. The road we walk down, the river moves us whether we want to ride it or not.

And I think it’s what I know. I think it’s because I don’t have that same desire that you do. Because I don’t want to meet your girl-best friend.


We come together to fall apart

We know this isn’t going to last,

We start this over, this toiling part

We lie to ourselves and forget the past and its eternalness

Without you I know, this time will be, a better start for him, not me.

It’s oh so scary. You don’t make these life-changing decisions for me.

And I am me and you are I. Separate and whole, two in the same.

The Yang the Yang.

And so I go now. I go this walk alone. This path is still unknown.

Winding dark and Emerald grass, a painted sky. I know it now, there shall be no lie.


We come together to fall apart

We know this isn’t going to last,

We start this over, this toiling part

We lie to ourselves and forget the past and its eternalness.

Without you I know, this time will be, a better start for him, not me.


Thermodynamics, My Guitar Man

The extensive rings of Saturn burn with heat for you.

My guitar man, how does structure form?

it’s a picture in your mind, it’s a vision in mine.

and I sit here across from you, and you stare at me. Pretend to be annoyed that I won’t shut up.

And I know what you are thinking, you stare right at me as you say it.

the meaning of each word, of every sound.

you are a visionary, a dreamer, a Pisces-Virgo Rising.

Strong and kind and you read those lyrics I suggest, a Kenny Loggins song, a John Parr verse.

You are my other, a substance that is created in that combustion, it’s what we create, it’s what I surrender to.

But is it over between us? You say you’re afraid, this isn’t what I want. “I didn’t sign up for this.”

you are a guitar, man, a bass player. You push me down on the bed and kiss me as I laugh.

You letting your depression go, you allowing me to read your mind, oh, I know it’s uncomfortable, it tires you not being able to lie to me.

you say, “your laugh is so sexy.” I say, “I love it when you smile.”

My body is charged, like that flagpole outside our window. Highlighted with the Texas flag, a perfect view, and I talk on.

on and on and you listen. You don’t even interrupt, though I know you must be getting frustrated.

And you listen, trying to interpret every word, every sound, my gaze, notes to you, and St. Erasmus.

“What isn’t she saying?” You wonder.

Because it’s all in those rings of Saturn, in the structure and form of Dark matter and energy.

Don’t say we’ll never see eachother again.

how does structure form? Thermodynamics, baby.

it’s a picture in your mind, it’s the dream I dream of you, it’s those complex rings of Saturn. It’s the unknown, it’s the scary, it’s the plasma created in St. Elmo’s fire.